I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Randomize
