I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
Cheyanne in woods. Ducks attacked. My toe is bleeding. We are gpsing our way home on foot. No worries
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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