you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
