I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
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