Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
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