im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Randomize
