Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
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