i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
These tits shall not be calmed
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
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