Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
Randomize
