just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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