I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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