I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Randomize
