I think I just saw someone hide a body.
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
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