Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
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