Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
i just made my gag reflex go away.
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Randomize
