I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Randomize
