This is not my ceiling
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
