walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Randomize
