Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
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What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
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I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
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