dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Dude i just saw JT leaving the hospital. He drove there to get fluids because he was too drunk, so they hooked him up to an IV so he didn't get alcohol poisoning. Did I mention he drove there? Oh yea and our roommates in the hospital with alcohol poisoning, she just puked up coal. So many ppl are here, it's like a hospital party, I love spring quarter!
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Randomize
