I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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