so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
IM INA KID IN KING ATURHTS CUNT!
A Kid In King Arthur's Court? Like the movie?
CUNT. CUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNT
He had one of those small greek statue penises
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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