last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
