"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Randomize
