It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
This is classic penis vs brain.
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
Ive been high since the plane left the ground in Los Angeles and Ive been in Chicago. Right now, Im on a train headed towards downtown to go to an anime convention. At this point, I am just taking life as it comes, furries and all.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
