You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
I think my moral compass just broke
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
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