I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
