My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
Randomize
