I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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