News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
This show inspires me to have sex in space
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
These People Are The Epitome of Lazy
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Disturbing Scenes People Witnessed As Children
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me