Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
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