My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.