Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.