i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
These 33 Eskimo Brothers Boinked The Same Person And Couldn’t Be More Proud
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction