I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
Randomize
