They should really pass out barf bags in church
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
i black out too much to be "responsible"
Randomize
