**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
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