I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
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