Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Randomize
