Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Randomize
