Your favorite bartender is back from prision
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
