I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
