I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
I just found a bag of teeth...
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
did i just pee glitter
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Randomize
