Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
You ate ashes out of my bong
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Randomize
