Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
I have a number of responses, ranging in content, tone, and maturity. Choose your destiny...
Randomize
