I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
