I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
he shaved USA in his pubs
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Randomize
