somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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