just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
