Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Randomize
