there are some really hot girls on the bus. i want to lips them
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Randomize
