I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
Randomize
