my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
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other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
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And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
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