I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
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