Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
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