I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Randomize
