Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize
