My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
Randomize
