I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
Randomize
