I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
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