My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
Dude, I don't think I'll ever be able to find a girl for me...
Is this the gay conversation?
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
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