he thought i was a dude.
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
I just found puke in my bra..
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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