so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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