is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize
