it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
