the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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